As I barreled my way through Walmart against the human cesspool of other shoppers last week, I laughed as I witnessed how the weeks leading up to the holidays bring out in people the very opposite spirit of what is intended from this season. At no other time of the year do you hear more people bitching, miserable and inconsiderate. The hype is insane and I am laughing because I don’t care yet and therefore am not bothered by it. As a guy, I don’t really discover my shopping stress until about 4 p.m. on December 23rd. And every year I tell myself that the next year will be different and I’ll start my shopping around Thanksgiving. Like every New Year’s resolution that I have made in my life, that too is just wishful thinking.
If the road to hell is paved with good intentions then I’m in a lot of trouble. It’s not that try to break my resolutions, it’s just that I have the same amount of willpower as every chimney that quits smoking or cupcake that jumps on a treadmill for about a week before they fall back into their old habits. 2005 was the year that I was supposed to drink less, work out more, start going back to church, show up on time to work, actually do work when I showed up, and start taking relationships seriously. And like most everyone else, I didn’t make it to mid January. Just like in 2004… and 2003… and 2002… and…
One of the largest resolution killers is that tomorrow is around the corner. There’s always some excuse as to why our resolutions can or should be put off to some time in the future. “I’ll stop doing that tomorrow.” “I’ll start doing this tomorrow.” We’ve all said it. The problem is that tomorrow always comes and presents yet another tomorrow (except for the few that didn’t make it to the treadmill or stop smoking early enough). So many resolutions never even get off the ground before they can be broken. And if one starts strong and is able to maintain a resolution for a little while, once it’s inevitably broken, that guy will never successfully reinstate it. The sense of failure is overwhelming and even if he attempts to go back to his resolution, the blemish on his record is enough to make him give up altogether.
So let’s stop making ourselves feel miserable with our failures. Set the bar low. Forget trying to make yourself better. There’s most likely way too much work to be done anyway in that department anyway. If you have friends then they most likely accept you for your flaws. Some probably like you more for your flaws because they will look better next to you. If you don’t have friends, finding some might be a good resolution worth tackling. For the masochists that do want to set up some resolutions, make them bearable. Here are some recommendations…
1. Wake up.
2. Put on both shoes before going out. Tying them is your own call.
3. Don’t eat Sush’s food.
That should keep you busy enough. Tonight I will go eat my 6000 calorie cheeseburger sub, not go to the gym and drink enough for two of us just like I have since January 12. Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah and Happy New Year!