1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and rest!

That’s all the exercise you need to get a dad bod just like me!

Sure, people tell me I should exercise and eat healthy to add longevity to my life, but I worked hard to get this manly physique, and there’s no turning back.

I don’t want to have rock-hard abs like Wolverine or giant biceps like the Rock. I have a body that fits my lifestyle, one that’s a healthy balance between Momma June and Howard Stern.

5 ft. 10 in., 180 pounds, size 32 pants and a shmedium medium shirt. That’s my body type!

With my dimensions all out there for the world to see, I find it my duty (laughing out loud at duty), to share with you my secret to obtain and maintain your very own dad bod!

Exercising is not as important as you think. Sure, running and doing sit-ups to get an 8-pack like Zac Efron is cool and all, but the fact of the matter is, I don’t have time, or don’t want to invest the time to obtain that body.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a blob of fat and organs as I get my fair-share of movement in by chasing Max out of the litter box or pushing him in his wagon, pushing a lawn mower around once a week, and walking into work and taking the stairs.

You need a pickle jar opened? I’ve got the muscles for that!

You need a car pushed because it’s out of gas? Call someone else!

Salads are good and all, but I don’t want one every day. Protein shakes taste terrible and lack the essential amount of sugar. Fresh vegetables are alright, but they need to be sautéed with soy sauce and a dash of salt.

To get a dad bod like me, I recommend following a simple eating regiment that fits every person’s budget and lifestyle!

First and foremost, breakfast is the most important meal of the day, as I’m sure you’ve read in a previous post of mine. You should always start your weekday off with a heaping bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch or Oops! All Berries. If it’s the weekend, whip up a batch of pancakes with bacon and eggs.

For lunch, enjoy a protein bar, but balance it out with your child’s fruit snacks or a tasty bag of chips. Still hungry? Then drink plenty of coffee, and if that doesn’t work, steal some miniature chocolate candy bars from your coworker’s desk.

Be sure to drink some water in between your coffee sips. I like to fill up my Star Wars Tervis cup at least twice a day with water and sip it periodically between coffee, chocolate, Lemon Heads and Skittles.

Dinner is the second most important meal of the day, and it’s always important to remember this mantra: When the wife’s away, take your child to Chick-fil-A.

If she’s at home, grab some Mexican food, BBQ or pizza. If you’ve blown through your dining out budget, go ahead and cook that healthy meal your wife wants to try. Add a salad to it for bonus health points!

And if your child’s asleep and you want to relax with your wife and watch a movie, throw your favorite popcorn in the microwave or split a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

Water’s always a good choice throughout the day, but sometimes, you need an ice-cold fountain Coca-Cola! If Coke’s not available, grab yourself a Vitamin Water for a refreshing artificial sweetener satiation.

I love either lemonade or iced tea with my dinner. And when Max goes to bed, I like to treat myself to a Natty Boh or a glass of my favorite bourbon.

Speaking of beer, if I’m outside working in the hot summer sun, there’s nothing more refreshing than an ice cold beer. Besides, my beer belly didn’t make itself, you know!

Here are some quick bullet points not mentioned above to help you gain and maintain your very own dad bod:

  • No Food Left Behind – If your child doesn’t eat all of their chicken nuggets, vegetables, fries or fruit cup, you need to be like a buzzard and swoop in for the clean-up.
  • Drink IPAs, Stouts and Ales – When choosing a beer at dinner, make sure you select one that complements your meal. Light beers are for working outside or getting white-girl wasted. Choose a beer that’s not only full of flavor, but full of calories as well. Your palate will thank me later.
  • Avoid Gym Memberships – If you feel the need to exercise, go for a jog around your house. It’s free and people around your neighborhood will think your serious about fitness. Need to lift weights? Do some dead lifts of your child. If they’re not heavy enough, use your wife. If she’s too heavy, then lifting is not for you.
  • Use BBQ Sauce, Polynesian Sauce and Chick-fil-A Sauce when at Chick-fil-A – I like to dip my chicken sandwich and fries in all of these sauces, separately of course. I usually have my BBQ sauce far left, Polynesian in the middle, and Chick-fil-A sauce far right, closest to my chicken sandwich.
  • Always Have Your Favorite Chips in the Pantry – Doritos, Tostitos, Wavy Lays, Old Bay Cheese Curls, etc.
  • BBQ is Best Served with Beer and Corn Bread – Add French fries or mac and cheese to quickly amp up your dad bod game.
  • Cookouts – It’s okay to have, at the bare minimum, a burger and a hot dog at a cookout. Be sure to add some chips to your plate as well. If there are burgers and dogs left over, go ahead, have another! Just skip your late night snack.
  • Pizza – When ordering pizza, be sure to get a large. Also be sure to eat at least four slices so you have enough energy to get through the evening with your family.
  • Television – TV is an important aspect when trying to acquire a dad bod. Be sure to set aside at least an hour a night to watch your favorite television program.

Getting your very own dad bod is attainable for any person willing to commit the time and effort. Planet earth wasn’t formed overnight, Rome wasn’t built in a day, and my ruggedly, semi-attractive dad bod wasn’t sculpted in a week.

Take the time to analyze your priorities in life. If exercising and having abs is for you, then please, do not follow any of my plan. But if you want to be the coolest dad in the world who’s irresistible to his wife, jump on the dad bod bandwagon.

After all, it’s a fun ride! One where we’ll load the wagon full of awesome snacks and beer, and tailgate like it’s football season once we reach our destination.