Do you guys remember that movie He’s Just Not That into You?

If it were filmed in 2015 (twenty fifteen), they would probably have to add a subtitle to the tune of, “Because He’s into Himself!”

The selfie.

What can be said that hasn’t already been said? What input could I possibly have on an epidemic that swept through the nation in 2015 (twenty fifteen)?

In order to understand the selfie, one must become one with themselves. One must push others out of their pictures, extend their dominant hand out, and push the shutter button on their phone (or digital camera if folks are still using these).

Majority of the time, the first picture doesn’t turn out right. You have to retake the picture 5 or 6 times before you get that beautiful picture that oozes selfieness. You want the picture to show what you’re doing at any “unplanned, spontaneous moment,” and that can be tough in this cruel, first-world we live in.

I wanted to understand the obsession with the selfie. I wanted to be with myself in a picture of myself. I wanted people to see me taking pictures of me. I Me Mine! A selfie of myselfie. I wanted to get swept off my feet in a whimsical hurry by my selfie.

Being the college edumicated adult that I am, I decided to conduct…Wait for it…Wait for it…Wait for it:

THE SELFIE EXPERIMENT: A Scientific Study sans Science

Side Note: Before I begin this experiment, please picture me as Bill Nye the Science Guy so while you’re reading this, it sounds super official. Cue my theme song!

Question
Will taking selfies make people like my pictures on Instagram even more?

Background Research
At any given time, I can scroll through Instagram and see several selfies plastered on my wall. They’re like PG/PG-13 pin-ups. Majority of these selfies (for the sake of science, we’ll say 87%) have well over 50 likes per selfie. Through the basic understanding of the selfie principle, one could say two things: People like taking selfies and people like liking selfies.

Hypothesis
Therefore, based on my extensive and rigorous research, I believe that if I take a selfie of myselfie, then majority of my followers on Instagram will like my selfie.

Experiment
I broke out the Bunsen burner, petri dishes and beakers, only to realize that I wouldn’t need these items for this experiment.

I took several selfies throughout the week. I did a selfie with duck-face, a selfie of me being tired, a selfie of me being cold, a selfie of my outfit, a selfie of me driving, a selfie of me with my friends, a selfie of me creeping up on Mel, and many other selfies of myselfie.

Analysis
I received an average of 3 likes per pic. That means only 3.57% of people on average out of my 84 followers liked my selfies.

I’m pretty sure that’s a low percentage, but I’ve been wrong before…Once.

Conclusion
3.57% of the time, people liked my selfies every time!

My hypothesis was incorrect. Majority of my followers didn’t like my selfies, which is odd because my nationally funded research would suggest otherwise.

Granted I didn’t take into account any independent or dependent variables, but I’m an adult, and aint nobody got time for that!

Factual Opinions
Perhaps someone could take my research a step further. I’m just a married man, in no competition for likes, living in the suburbs at the tender age of 28.

Are my selfies not desirable among the masses? Was it something I said? Was it something I did?

That, I will never know. But what I do know is that through this government-funded research, I was able to determine that selfies are on the way out. Unfortunately, they have no place in today’s world. It was an epidemic that crippled the nation in 2013 (twenty thirteen), but through meticulous research by yours truly, the end is nigh.

It lies deep within your brain and at the tips of your fingers. When you get the urge to take a selfie, tell your selfie to think about your friends. Tell your selfie to think about your family. Tell your selfie to take a groupie. Your friends miss you. Your family misses you. Your social media sites don’t. They’ve seen enough of you.

Fight the urge. Turn your phone around and take a picture of the wall. I’m sure it’s much more interesting than yourselfie.

Regards – Myselfie

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